Friday, December 31, 2010
REMEMBER WHEN ... SOUTHWEST AIRLINE WAS FUN?
Southwest Airline used to delight and amaze me. Used to being the operative phrase, as after a particular, apparently humorless, passenger complained, the flight attendants were no longer allowed to reveal their Joan Rivers/Johnny Carson persona's. Though it remains my number one brand of transport over long distances, it's simply no fun anymore.
It is now, after being subjected to ultra-high security measures - and not without good reason, I might add - simply to enter the bowels of the airport itself, that we could use the humor, and to the person who filed a lawsuit alledging offense was taken at a one-liner (years ago, no?), take a pill, or stay home, you've ruined it for everyone.
Fortunately I have unearthed an envelope of gems. Before one flight, I had been determined to transcribe as much as I could of the flight attendant's one liners to put in the scrapbook of that particular trip. They came so fast and furiously that, in between insane cackling, along with the rest of the passengers, my writing was far too hurried and large. I had to continually search for more scraps of paper, even resorting to a perfume sample card.
Thankfully I managed quite a bit, and so, for posterity and hope the New Year will usher out a bit of doom and gloom, and usher in the return of humor, and yes, even in the commercial sector, I record those comments here, and applaud SOUTHWEST for their attempt to keep it fun.
The "instructions" came from a few flights so though they may appear redundant, they are not, every monologue was different and simply hysterical.
"Attendants will make sure your socks match your shoes, and check your seat belts."
"Leave your seat belt fastened until the plane reaches a complete stop for the safety of the people you are going to fall on... and comb your hair."
"Should a drop in air pressure occur, color coordinated yellow masks will fall, let go of your neighbor and place the mask over your face."
"There is a $2000.00 fine for smoking. If you had wanted to pay $2000.00 for a ticket, you could have flown DELTA."
"FREE LIQUOR.... just kidding but now we know who the alcoholics are."
"Designer Martha Stewart masks will fall, if you are traveling with more than one child, decide which one you love the most and attach the mask to that child's face. If you are traveling with your husband, we're deeply sorry, attach your mask, look over at him and say, "Har, Har!"
"If we go water skiing, your seat cushion can serve as a flotation device and life preserver."
"Should we experience a drop in air pressure, stop screaming and attach your mask."
"Attention K-Mart Shoppers, during take-off and landing, if you brought along cell phones we are very impressed, but you can't use them."
During a full flight....
"If you are in a jump seat and do not wish to be, please let an attendant know, we will tie you to the wings."
"We will be landing shortly, please turn off all children and cell phones."
"Smoking is allowed on the wings only"
And after a particularly long, non-stop red-eye from L.A. to Providence.... and a really fast landing, to which one of the female attendants couldn't resist, "Whoa Cowboy..."
"10 minutes and we're outta here."
"Please stay seated in the plane until the Captain says it's OK, no not yet.... No, not yet. No. Not. Yet..... OK..... GET OUT !!!!!"
HAPPY NEW YEAR ... AND MAY IT BE A FUN ONE!