Friday, December 31, 2010


Southwest Airline used to delight and amaze me.   Used to being the operative phrase, as after a particular, apparently humorless, passenger complained, the flight attendants were no longer allowed to reveal their Joan Rivers/Johnny Carson persona's.  Though it remains my number one brand of transport over long distances, it's simply no fun anymore.

It is now, after being subjected to ultra-high security measures - and not without good reason, I might add - simply to enter the bowels of the airport itself, that we could use the humor, and to the person who filed a lawsuit alledging offense was taken at a one-liner (years ago, no?),  take a pill, or stay home, you've ruined it for everyone.

Fortunately I have unearthed an envelope of gems.  Before one flight, I had been determined to transcribe  as much as I could of the flight attendant's one liners to put in the scrapbook of that particular trip. They came so fast and furiously that, in between insane cackling, along with the rest of the passengers, my writing was far too hurried and large.  I had to continually search for more scraps of paper, even resorting to a perfume sample card.

Thankfully I managed quite a bit, and so, for posterity and hope the New Year will usher out a bit of doom and gloom, and usher in the return of humor, and yes, even in the commercial sector, I record those comments here, and applaud SOUTHWEST for their attempt to keep it fun.

The  "instructions" came from a few flights so though they may appear redundant, they are not, every monologue was different and simply hysterical.

"Attendants will make sure your socks match your shoes, and check your seat belts."

"Leave your seat belt fastened until the plane reaches a complete stop for the safety of the people you are going to fall on... and comb your hair."

"Should a drop in air pressure occur, color coordinated yellow masks will fall, let go of your neighbor and place the mask over your face."

"There is a $2000.00 fine for smoking.  If you had wanted to pay $2000.00 for a ticket, you could have flown DELTA."

"FREE LIQUOR....   just kidding but now we know who the alcoholics are."

"Designer Martha Stewart masks will fall, if you are traveling with more than one child, decide which one you love the most and attach the mask to that child's face.  If you are traveling with your husband, we're deeply sorry,  attach your mask, look over at him and say, "Har, Har!"

"If we go water skiing, your seat cushion can serve as a flotation device and life preserver."

"Should we experience a drop in air pressure, stop screaming and attach your mask."

"Attention K-Mart Shoppers, during take-off and landing, if you brought along cell phones we are very impressed, but you can't use them."

During a full flight....

"If you are in a jump seat and do not wish to be, please let an attendant know, we will tie you to the wings."

"We will be landing shortly, please turn off all children and cell phones."

"Smoking is allowed on the wings only"

And after a particularly long, non-stop red-eye from L.A. to Providence.... and a really fast landing, to which one of the female attendants couldn't resist,  "Whoa Cowboy..."

"10 minutes and we're outta here."

"Please stay seated in the plane until the Captain says it's OK, no not yet....  No, not yet.     No.    Not.   Yet.....   OK.....   GET  OUT   !!!!!"



  1. No fun allowed!

    Here's to a Happy and prosperous new year for us all... thanks!

  2. I didn't know Southwest did those things! Now I will HAVE to fly with them at least once. Or did somebody already screw things up?

    I especially like the one about smoking being allowed only on the wings.

  3. Unfortunately after the big to-do the next time I got on a flight there was not even a hint of the humor. It truly was heart breaking. But it has been a few years now and maybe- just hopefully maybe - they have unleashed the comedy club again.

    I might add, on the return trip from Hawaii I had a horrible cold, made worse by the long flight to L.A. Two days later after crawling around L.A. sick as a dog but not wanting to leave before I saw everything I wanted to see there (reason for the lay-over!) I got on Southwest for the return trip to the East Coast. I can't say enough good things about how well the attendants treated me, knowing I was miserable. I wish they would just go global and get it over with!

    Just so I know, anyone out there been on a flight recently? Are they allowed to be funny again?

  4. I recall a captain announcing once that the machine that the equipment that handles your baggage is broken and so please be patient as the baggage attendants will need to tear the handles off your luggage by hand.

    But seriously, flying is no fun any more. I dread the crowded planes, the fight over everyone's carry-ons, and SECURITY in particular.

  5. On a SW flight last year a Flight Attendant, did say, "If your spouse is asleep and the air masks descend....well, you decide what to do with theirs."

  6. Oh Goody, just maybe they are allowed to be FUN again, that's good news.

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