There is no logical explanation why it should be such a difficult time. This time. I've been through this before yet, somehow the timing seems off. Waking up each morning feeling something is horribly wrong in my world but not remembering what it is. Realizing I''ve not yet written those most important final letters to my children in which I express through unretractable written words what they have given my life, the joy and yes, even the heartache, that has served to make them the two adults I am most proud of. Wondering where the time has gone, and what have I done with it, that has truly mattered...
Resisting the urge to grasp the prayer card sent to me so thoughtfully, until it wrinkles in my cold-sweat covered hand (Thank You Joe and Father Christian R. Oravec, T.O.R. and all the Franciscan Friars).
It occurs to me I have no unfinished business, my only plans to this point and beyond, were to help any human or animal that crossed my path through the knowledge and abilities learned over the course of my career. Knowing that my children will continue the tradition solves any concerns in that area.
My son will care for the city cat. He is leaving small dead animal presents for us. He Thanks Us. My daughter will continue to care for and rehab wild creatures.
Though I never was fortunate to have that one true love of my life to share a lifetime with, I have had my love for life, and the joy seeing happiness in others brings me.
Somewhere in that hospital, someone knows my future, or lack thereof. Somewhere a radiologist has gone over my test results and knows. I will not know until Wednesday. I've always taken a certain amount of pride in maintaining my composure, regardless of what disaster unfolds before me. If I may be pardoned for being quite frank, it's pissin' me off this time.
Now if you will kindly excuse me, I think I think I see a homeless man wandering around I must drag in off the street and force him to allow me to help him........ ;}